http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/index/ en g@neurosa.com Copyright 2008 2008-09-05T19:17:33+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/she_bop/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/she_bop/#When:19:17:33Z My bio page. This is it. I was born in 1980, exactly nine years before the Berlin wall fell. This hasn’t impacted my life in any major way, but I like to throw it out there - as if, you know, something like that made me special somehow. Also, I’m half Eskimo, which is also something I like to tell people I hardly know. I honestly don’t know why I do that. I don’t know squat about Inuit culture, so it’s more than just a little pretentious, and I do it anyway. Oh, and I can be really obnoxious. In case you hadn’t noticed. I live in the northern hemisphere with husband*, Jelly Man, our two year old daughter, Carlita, an old man and too many pets. We have literally one neighbor and live remotely. We only have one car between us, but even if we had two I don’t have a license to drive one of those motherfuckers. Lately we’re thinking of adding more of the human baby persuasion. If the thought of that isn’t enough to make you have an accident in your pants then you are obviously better at coping than I am. My husband & and I grew up a skip, a hop and an ocean between us, so we would never have met if it weren’t for IRCnet. We met face-to-face in August 2001 and have been together ever since. In 2006 I gave birth to our daughter while Jelly Man looked on in a paralyzing state of terror. One extra beep from the hospital machinery would have sent him into a full blown panic attack. *It’s complicated. Lets just say we’re working on it. Not much has changed, but of course nothing stayed the same either. Absolutely nothing. I’ve lived in so many places, I can’t possibly remember all of them. The house we’re living in now is the longest I have ever lived anywhere, and I very much hope that this will be the only home for my family. I can’t imagine living anywhere else. I have so many plans. I want to make a compost, I want to eat a potato that I grew myself, I would love to have a herb-garden. And who knows? I might want chickens one day, or maybe a goat. When time permits I read bad fiction and horror paperbacks. I sniff perfumes and use a lot of body lotion. I’m generally a medium good cook, although Jelly Man will scold me, say that I always say that about myself and tell me I’m an excellent cook. Just goes to show. I know how to knit a little but never got caught up in the knitting-bug. I would rather do some cross stitching, but until that becomes a burning desire I know I won’t bother. I used to listen to a lot of music, but having a baby put a damper on that. I miss music. I have trichotillomania. And I’m fat. And, yes, I’m OK with both. Egotastic, The story of 2008-09-05T19:17:33+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/this_is_a_hairy_situation/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/this_is_a_hairy_situation/#When:15:19:29Z We saw this guy the other day and today we had to rescue it from being roadkill. OK, so I doubt this is the same caterpillar, but they were definitely of the same species. This one is fatter though, so unless it gained a lot of weight in a night it probably isn’t the same caterpillar, but whatever. It’s cute! If it is some kind of sign of things to come then I’m totally stumped. I mean, the metaphor is right there, staring you in the eye, but it just doesn’t sit right with me. Not any of it. So right now it’s just a caterpillar, maybe even the one from yesterday. * * * I realized today while stacking in the frozen pizzas (oh. my. god! I’m trying to steer away from candy, so now I’m eating frozen pizzas. Not necessarily an improvement.) that we need to make room for more stuff, so maybe it would be time to make away with the placenta. Yes. The placenta. It’s been in there for two years, and yes, that is at least 1½ years too many, believe me I KNOW. Some tree is going to get the pleasure of trying to grow on top of a really old placenta and wonder what it did to deserve that. * * * Carlita is just now frustratingly and painstakingly learning to put the right shapes through the right holes in her toy bucket. She never showed any interest in the toy before now, and now she can get really vocal when it doesn’t fit where she wants it to fit. If I help her too much or too little they know about it down the bend. And defiant, oh my! She is currently eating a slice of toast as is, in favor of my spreadable cheese concoction, because the dry bread slice is from the lot of bread slices that she emptied on the floor from their bread bag, and I might have been a little stern when I told her how we don’t do that sort of thing, so now the slice that she snatched up will be her cross to bear because mommy was being mean and now I will suffer because she suffers, spreadable cheese be damned! She and her father are alike in many, many ways. Carlita, Daily, Firsts, Photo, The story of 2008-09-04T15:19:29+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/25_months_old/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/25_months_old/#When:06:18:45Z Dear Carlita, I know I missed your birthday month, and I was this-close to not writing this month’s letter as well. It’s not that you are not worth writing for and about, it’s more that I don’t know how to articulate this period of your life - there are no major physical transformations, except your hair is getting longer, and so the changes we are experiencing are mostly of a spiritual nature. It’s hard to put into words, because “I feel closer to you” somehow implies that we weren’t close enough to begin with. You are my child and I love you no matter what, but lately I have been feeling closer to you. Maybe it’s your age and having the kind of mindset that comes with it, something I can somewhat relate to and work with that has made it easier for both of us to click. And yet it’s hard. It’s hard each and every day, and I don’t do that well on even half of those days, nearly all nights ending with me telling myself that tomorrow is another day, I can try harder tomorrow. I know the day is coming where I have to get you out into the world, because you are depressingly under-stimulated here at home with me, alone. It’s just you and me until your dad comes home. You deserve more fun in your day-to-day life, and as hard as I try, that tomorrow where I can be all those things for you is not going to come. There is no other fix for that than to try harder, but when even that does not cut it maybe it’s time to look for something better. I don’t know what that thing will be, or when we would be able to afford it but I know the day is coming, even though lately you and I have really clicked. I love being your mother, I need you to know that. You love the lake, you love water puddles, balloons, rocks, your books, the cats, you could spend hours in the bath, you adore any clothing that is pink or purple and, controversially, you love coffee. You wouldn’t touch a baby doll with a stick, and you still fight sleep tooth and nail (just like your father. Still.) You have thrown your first official toddler tantrum, and I had to squelch the urge to laugh, failing miserably. I am so sorry. Surprisingly your growing independence is just the thing that makes our mother/daughter relationship that much better. And even though saying this might make it seem like I am the most ungrateful mother on earth, I just can’t wait to have actual conversations with you, to know what is on your mind and sharing my own. As much as I miss the baby years I can not wait to see what we have ahead of us. It’s all so very bitter sweet. Carlita, Letter, Photo 2008-08-31T06:18:45+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/give_me_some_of_what_youve_got/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/give_me_some_of_what_youve_got/#When:12:55:07Z I found these over here, and while I haven't actually watched any Olympic games this year, much less on American TV, I still found these hilarious. Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' Paul Hamm, gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' Boxing analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?' My rock throwing skillz, let me show you it. Happy weekend! Carlita, Daily photo, Internets, Random 2008-08-29T12:55:07+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/beach_baby/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/beach_baby/#When:14:02:58Z She has started calling herself “baby” in conjunction with pointing at her own picture, and it kills me, it kills me dead with its cuteness. Words still pop in and out of her vocabulary though, and most of the time you wouldn’t know what word she is trying to pronounce unless you, well, speak Carlita. I still have a hard time understanding her, and I listen to her babble all day long (especially since she is cutting naps like a jaded teen cuts classes, but that is hardly anything new.) There has been loads of cuddles for me lately, and it makes me all soft and gooey. Even though we have always gotten along well (can we just say she was, like, the most laid back baby, ever!), I’ve never been very good at interacting with her in her awesome babyness*, and it saddens me that she no longer is a baby, that I won’t ever get a chance to do it right with her - and as much as I want to give her a sibling, it scares me even more to think I might not manage any better with #2. Or, you know, what if I did do better second time around? THE GUILT! *I suck at baby talk, I suck at the repetitiveness that is baby play. Probably the only thing I did really well was breastfeeding and we quit that when she was 17 months - lesson learned! If/when there is a next time I’m going to breastfeed for as long as it’s wanted. If anyone has any good toddler activity ideas to send my way, it would be greatly appreciated. Carlita, Parenting, Photo 2008-08-26T14:02:58+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/burnt_out_of_my_fingertips/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/burnt_out_of_my_fingertips/#When:12:14:00Z I’m having severe blog-fatigue. That, and I don’t have a whole lot of time by the computer these days. Jelly Man will take control of the computer immediately upon his return to the nest in the afternoon, and since we cleaned the house from top to godbedamned bottom, I’ve had to put in time every single day to keep it presentable. It’s not even super clean, but it looks so much better (and feels twice as good), but argh, enough of all the dirty dishes and all that damned laundry that demands to be loaded/unloaded/stacked taking up precious time of my and Carlita’s lives that we’ll never get back. But, I guess this is what being a “housewife” is all about, eh? And, well, I actually feel grownup these days. Imagine that! * * * I’m giving up candy for a year or so. Attempting, anyway. We are officially TTC these days, not just considering it. I’ve been pondering it since a good six months back, and thought I was absolutely sure we wanted to/could handle two kidlings, but now that the plan is laid and we’re actually giving it a shot I feel absolutely terrified. Can I possibly love another as I love her? (the blogosphere gives a unanimous YES to that question), and the thought of unintentionally loving one more than the other is just plain scary. Both Jelly Man and I are singletons in practice, so we just don’t know anything about sibling love and/or rivalry. * * * Carlita is being such a fuss about her naps. They have dwindled to next to nothing, and some nights she can will herself to be awake until 10pm, babbling to herself in bed. It drives me nuts and up the walls, it took me a while to figure out what was so infuriating about her inability to embrace sleep (something I am a champ at), but Jelly Man solved that one by pointing out how she is just like him about sleep. In other words, sleep is for the weak! * * * And lo and behold! The Jelly Man arrives. And so I must log off. There is more, but never enough time! Carlita, Daily, Domestication, Parenting 2008-08-19T12:14:00+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/two_years_old/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/two_years_old/#When:19:23:58Z So much to say, and not enough words. Carlita, Letter, Photo 2008-07-31T19:23:58+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/picking_up_the_thread_but_not_quite_where_i_left_off/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/picking_up_the_thread_but_not_quite_where_i_left_off/#When:07:25:01Z I wrote up a storm last night before getting interrupted by a guest, and instead of saving it like a good girl I left the browser window up. We popped in a DVD and half way through I was sent off to bed because I kept falling asleep. Apparently I snore or something (I do not - at least not to the best of my knowledge, and I choose to stay in denial. So there.) This morning the browser window was gone - poof! Possibly the best post ever written and it falls prey to a drunk-as-a-skunk Jelly Man who decides that his last day of rest before going back into the trenches is the best day to set himself up for a hangover on his first day of being back in the trenches. Except it appears that his fifth week of vacation was approved by the boss because no one called this morning to complain of his absence. So he is home for another week. Lets see if he is brave enough to pull the same trick next Sunday. This past month has been such a roller coaster, yet I’m ranking it up there as possibly the best summer of my life as of yet. Parenting is really tough (no shit!) and I keep having freak outs - mostly about whether or not I am doing a good job or not, and the reason I freak out is because I think I’m doing everything wrong - but as we’ve started to set firm boundaries for Carlita, things are less freaky and more soaringly-fucking-happy. Sure, she is hitting the terrible twos (I wish I was as confident as Jane about the non-existence of the horror lovingly known as “The Terrible Twos”, but I’m failing miserably. If this is not a phase then I’m fucked!), but in between the outbursts she is, how do I put this? FUCKING BRILLIANT! Parenting is tough, yes, but the good times make it all worth the anxiety and guilt. I was almost ready to grab her firmly by the shoulder’s, look her into the eyes and tell her to Just say something, please!? - I mean, I did it in my mind about a thousand times. But I needn’t have. She just kind of exploded in half-words, syllables and on occasion said It’s a good day, no mistake about it, one day and hasn’t let up since. I wonder though if she knew she said It’s a good day, or if it was just words to her that sounded funny rolling off the tounge. One thing is for certain though, there isn’t much she doesn’t understand these days. I, however, have a hard time understanding her still, and I feel kind of bad about that. Aren’t I supposed to be able to understand every little grunt? God forbid, am I an “unplugged” mother for not understanding her babble? I feel like the more I get to see of her growing personality, the less I KNOW her, and the more fascinated I am with who she is turning into. There is a will in there that I can’t touch, that I don’t influence, at least not by a lot. She is who she is, regardless of me or anyone else, and I don’t know why this is a surprise to me, but it is. I guess I just never thought about that before. As if by simply being her mother I’d know her inside out from the get-go. But it’s dawning on me that I’ll never fully know all there is to know about this girl, but it’s the parts I do know that are more than enough to get me through the day. Carlita, Jelly Man, Parenting, The Good 2008-07-28T07:25:01+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/all_kinds_of_crazy/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/all_kinds_of_crazy/#When:14:09:00Z Me: So, what do you think? Him: I think you’re getting too bored, too often. (followed by mad cackling) We got a call from USAGC, which is the USA green card lottery people. I filled in the application in order to enter another, unrelated lottery and promptly forgot about it. Honestly, I feel a little dirty. The woman who called me up had an intelligible but heavy accent, and while she was rambling up all the countries that were not eligible in this lottery (oh, we are fortunate to be born in the land of Danes and Funland, respectively, for sure) I couldn’t help think how she might just be working at a callcenter in any of those countries herself. I felt slightly dirty telling her I’m a housewife. And more so when she told me it was OK because I am married to someone who does have a job. And by the way, we have twice as much chance to win because we’re married. And Carlita would of course get a green card too. It feels all kinds of wrong to be eligible just because of where we were born. I don’t speak for all Funns, but I’m sure they’d be able to find a million other people that are more deserving than the two of us - and I wanted to tell her; Lady, you do not want us. Trust me. I told her I needed to discuss it with my husband, because she wanted us to pony up money. I devilishly lied and told her Jelly Man was working while he is, in fact, on his third week of a month long vacation - spending much of his time farting and playing poker - and felt utterly disgusted with myself. * * * In other news, I got my period. That is all kinds of relief and only slightly melancholic. * * * He behaved like a gentle giant, but he was the smallest of us all. He died, and I already forget when, but his grave is neatly tucked between two berry bushes - something I’m sure he would approve of, had he only known - and it rained later that night, how fitting. I couldn’t help thinking that the roses bloomed so hard and fiercely this year just for him. His little box was padded with rose petals and stemless roses. We’re pretty sure he passed away in his sleep, and thinking back we do remember him being a bit on the tired side as of late. Every now and then it hits me hard, but he had a pretty good life. And a long one, six whole years. R.I.P. Twin, the boarest of boars. Internets, Pets and pests, Random, The Bad 2008-07-17T14:09:00+02:00 http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/untitled_babble/ http://www.neurosa.com/index.php/site/untitled_babble/#When:08:14:00Z Every day I have the urge to sit down and write stuff - I’ve got a whole lot of thoughts churning in this fat head of mine - but it’s vacation (OH MY GOD! I still can’t get over that), and we are either doing something or Jelly Man is using the computer, and so my thoughts are running around in that hamster wheel of mine. Whenever I do get a moment to sit down the thoughts seem to scramble away and I just sit here, staring at the screen, fingers tapping impatiently at the keys. (For example, right now I pondered getting up to bring Jelly Man coffee in bed, but then had a change of heart because when will I get to sit down again uninterrupted? Exactly!) First off, Carlita’s speech, or indeed lack thereof. I’m getting slightly impatient about this, but I know that for now there isn’t much to do but wait. We’re scheduling her 2nd birthday well baby visit around her birthday, and I’ll bring it up with the doctor then, if they don’t bring it up first. I don’t know what to expect from this just yet. I’m slightly nervous about her getting labeled, but I also realize that if there is something abnormal about her development in that area it’s most likely due to us as her parents, and not something that is “wrong” with her. And even if it were, that would not mean the end of the world. And I understand how this came about, too. I felt awkward chatting to Carlita when she was smaller. It is still hard for me to let my mouth run while we go about our daily business, but from the interaction we have it’s clear that she understands a lot of what we say. She just isn’t very good at forming words. The ones she do say are badly butchered, bay for bird, bai for bear, shuz for shoes, buh for ball and so on. But since I moved from the land of Danes at 10 years old I haven’t really had a mother language. My danish sort of trailed off the longer I spent in the land of Swedes (and Swedish remains my favorite language still, but by now I really suck at that too), when I moved to Funland I started using English as my primary language. I feel like I have three handicapped languages to work with, and how on earth is that a good foundation for Carlita to learn how to speak on? Second, we will be expanding. In fact, we have had unprotected sex and I might already be hosting a fertilized egg and OMG *spazz*. We’ll know in about a weeks time. A week or so ago I asked Carlita’s godmother if she might have a suggestion as to what astrological sign we should go with (could we be any more of a mish mesh family with an Aquarius, Scorpio and a Leo? How about a Virgo, so that no element is discriminated?) and I’m kinda hoping she’ll recommend an Aries. Except, we’ll see.. in a week or so! Third, this brings up lots of questions regarding my body and whether I am healthy enough for another pregnancy. I feel pretty good about the fact that we waited those two years, and I feel more normal, body wise, than I did a year ago. It’s just too bad that this body is in much worse shape than the one I had two years ago. Regardless of me being pregnant or not I need to look after myself better. Junk food eating has been cut to a minimum, but I’m still a sucker for pop and that needs to change. I need to get my ass back on the exercise bike. * * * I went out in public without a hat on the other month. Shaving my head has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life, although freedom doesn’t feel quite as free when one feels the need to always wear a hat in public. So I went without. And, well, I got a lot of stares. But, you know, growing up with dark hair/eyes/skin in a place where there are lots of blond/blue eyed/pale people make you kind of immune to the stares. It didn’t bother me one bit, I might even have felt a little proud for plowing the way for teenage girls who secretly want to shave their head but never dared to - however many that might be. Now I’m planning to send all my unused Renbow and Manic Panic hair dye to my not-quite sister in the land of Danes - her mum is going to LOVE me… Carlita, Daily, Parenting 2008-07-08T08:14:00+02:00