Picking up the thread, but not quite where I left off
Monday, July 28, 2008
I wrote up a storm last night before getting interrupted by a guest, and instead of saving it like a good girl I left the browser window up. We popped in a DVD and half way through I was sent off to bed because I kept falling asleep. Apparently I snore or something (I do not - at least not to the best of my knowledge, and I choose to stay in denial. So there.) This morning the browser window was gone - poof! Possibly the best post ever written and it falls prey to a drunk-as-a-skunk Jelly Man who decides that his last day of rest before going back into the trenches is the best day to set himself up for a hangover on his first day of being back in the trenches. Except it appears that his fifth week of vacation was approved by the boss because no one called this morning to complain of his absence. So he is home for another week. Lets see if he is brave enough to pull the same trick next Sunday.
This past month has been such a roller coaster, yet I’m ranking it up there as possibly the best summer of my life as of yet. Parenting is really tough (no shit!) and I keep having freak outs - mostly about whether or not I am doing a good job or not, and the reason I freak out is because I think I’m doing everything wrong - but as we’ve started to set firm boundaries for Carlita, things are less freaky and more soaringly-fucking-happy. Sure, she is hitting the terrible twos (I wish I was as confident as Jane about the non-existence of the horror lovingly known as “The Terrible Twos”, but I’m failing miserably. If this is not a phase then I’m fucked!), but in between the outbursts she is, how do I put this? FUCKING BRILLIANT! Parenting is tough, yes, but the good times make it all worth the anxiety and guilt.
I was almost ready to grab her firmly by the shoulder’s, look her into the eyes and tell her to Just say something, please!? - I mean, I did it in my mind about a thousand times. But I needn’t have. She just kind of exploded in half-words, syllables and on occasion said It’s a good day, no mistake about it, one day and hasn’t let up since. I wonder though if she knew she said It’s a good day, or if it was just words to her that sounded funny rolling off the tounge. One thing is for certain though, there isn’t much she doesn’t understand these days.
I, however, have a hard time understanding her still, and I feel kind of bad about that. Aren’t I supposed to be able to understand every little grunt? God forbid, am I an “unplugged” mother for not understanding her babble? I feel like the more I get to see of her growing personality, the less I KNOW her, and the more fascinated I am with who she is turning into. There is a will in there that I can’t touch, that I don’t influence, at least not by a lot. She is who she is, regardless of me or anyone else, and I don’t know why this is a surprise to me, but it is. I guess I just never thought about that before. As if by simply being her mother I’d know her inside out from the get-go. But it’s dawning on me that I’ll never fully know all there is to know about this girl, but it’s the parts I do know that are more than enough to get me through the day.
jane said:
07/29 at 10:37 AM
You are doing everything just fine. What I think people mistake as the terrible twos, is the personality & independence of their child. They question things, they become curious and they ask, “why?“ a LOT. But that isn’t terrible, that’s them being a little person.
I don’t think you should know what she’s saying… you’re learning, too. You’ll pick up on her lingo soon enough.
As for the doubting your parenting, I say this only because I did the same & it didn’t pay off. My brother & his wife had a set path & they followed it, as far as their kids go, it paid off. You know what your priorities are with her, right? The main things you want her to learn in life. If you haven’t written them down, or talked about them w/Jelly Man, that might be a good idea. But once you’ve chosen the boundaries, as long as you stay in them YOU ARE DOING FINE.
If you keep questioning your parenting, she will soon pick up on that & then she’ll eat you alive! Have the confidence you want Carlita to have when she’s a mom.
I’m not saying any of this to lecture; I’m saying it because I made these mistakes & am hoping you don’t do the same.