25 Months Old
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Dear Carlita,
I know I missed your birthday month, and I was this-close to not writing this month’s letter as well. It’s not that you are not worth writing for and about, it’s more that I don’t know how to articulate this period of your life - there are no major physical transformations, except your hair is getting longer, and so the changes we are experiencing are mostly of a spiritual nature. It’s hard to put into words, because “I feel closer to you” somehow implies that we weren’t close enough to begin with. You are my child and I love you no matter what, but lately I have been feeling closer to you.
Maybe it’s your age and having the kind of mindset that comes with it, something I can somewhat relate to and work with that has made it easier for both of us to click. And yet it’s hard. It’s hard each and every day, and I don’t do that well on even half of those days, nearly all nights ending with me telling myself that tomorrow is another day, I can try harder tomorrow. I know the day is coming where I have to get you out into the world, because you are depressingly under-stimulated here at home with me, alone. It’s just you and me until your dad comes home. You deserve more fun in your day-to-day life, and as hard as I try, that tomorrow where I can be all those things for you is not going to come.
There is no other fix for that than to try harder, but when even that does not cut it maybe it’s time to look for something better. I don’t know what that thing will be, or when we would be able to afford it but I know the day is coming, even though lately you and I have really clicked. I love being your mother, I need you to know that.
You love the lake, you love water puddles, balloons, rocks, your books, the cats, you could spend hours in the bath, you adore any clothing that is pink or purple and, controversially, you love coffee. You wouldn’t touch a baby doll with a stick, and you still fight sleep tooth and nail (just like your father. Still.) You have thrown your first official toddler tantrum, and I had to squelch the urge to laugh, failing miserably. I am so sorry. Surprisingly your growing independence is just the thing that makes our mother/daughter relationship that much better.
And even though saying this might make it seem like I am the most ungrateful mother on earth, I just can’t wait to have actual conversations with you, to know what is on your mind and sharing my own. As much as I miss the baby years I can not wait to see what we have ahead of us. It’s all so very bitter sweet.
