Fuck.
There is nothing worse than waking up too early in the morning, and then not being able to go back to sleep. It gets worse when ones fake pregnancy decides to make you feel sick in the morning. Like, really sick. As in, I’d go puke if I had anything to puke up.
Fuck.
I think we need to buy a pregnancy test.
I’m sort of, kind of, antsy. But while work is piling up, I can’t seem to focus very well. And, yeah, the whole period thing is bugging me out. I’m about 15 days late, and that is very, very rare for me. It’s gone so far that I’m afraid I might be psyching myself up for this, that my mind has so much power over my body that I’m faking an unwanted pregnancy. And how bizarre is that?
I had that thought on the way home from the grocery store. At that point, the thing that scared me the most was the thought that my mind could have just that much control over the rest of me. And now I’m having ever so slight cramps that may or may not be my uterus expanding to make room for a BABY (or at least peel off trying - damn backstabbing uterus!). (Sadly) It would totally explain why I feel that I’ve been going to the loo a whole lot more than usual.
And boy, I hope I’ll look back on this entry and laugh heartily because, a] I’ve gotten my period and, b] I’m NOT in the least pregnant and, c] it’s slightly embarrassing to wig out like this over what turns out to be nothing at all - and in a perfect world this would preferably happen tomorrow.
Have I mentioned my boobs are sort’ve sore and full, for lack of a better word.
Gah!
Yes indeed. Apparently, Saturday was some sort of memorial day. I’ll never know why the dead would care about the living going to the store and buying food, you know so they can LIVE, on this day that apparently is for the dead - but I DO know that a lot of living people don’t mind taking a day off work just for the hell of it.
I’ve been on a kinda sorta sugar free diet lately. I’ve also had PMS from hell, even though it’s not that time of the month yet. I didn’t realize the two were connected before J pointed it out to me that I’ve been really hissy lately and he thought it might be because I wasn’t getting sugar. OF COURSE. Duh! It takes so very little for me to get propelled out of whatever state that is normal for me.
Actually, come to think of it, being PMSy is sort’ve my natural state. Evil evil sugar! (How I love thee)
There are 3 days till my 25th birthday. I AM NOT HAPPY! Birthdays quit being fun after turning 21. Seriously. I’ve found greys, people. GREY HAIRS! It should not be allowed, not until I turn 30 - at least! Should I dye it? That sucks too - I can’t really make it look much different. Black with a hint of red, or black with a hint of violet OR black with a hint of blue - wooo! Or I could bleach it so it’ll turn orange! I just love my options� NOT.
9 days after my birthday I’m going to Scotland. THAT makes G a happy girl. I was thinking of a few things to bring to my hostess, like “look at what Funland has to offer”, but I can’t come up with one single thing that we can buy here that cannot be bought in UK. THEY HAVE EVERYTHING, those bastards! I�m so envious. So, I’m going to have to think a little harder on this.
What would YOU want from Funland? And don’t say elk poop made into earrings (cause that could totally be arranged, and I’d hate myself for it!)
This year hasn’t exactly turned out the way it meant to - no matter that I don’t know precisely what could have been done, or could have happened, for it to turn out right.
Maybe, for starters, my BPAL package shouldn’t have gotten stuck in customs the way it did. I got all huffy and puffy about it, but it turns out that everything “merchandise” coming from the US has to be taxed, especially things like perfume.
And maybe if I hadn’t gained all that weight this year. It must be at least 10-15kg ago I stopped feeling HUMAN. It’s damned hard finding motivation when you are so low. It helps to think that next year about this time we might, or might not, decide to do something that might, or might not, involve rings. Ssssh! It’s not totally decided yet. But in-case-of, I would like to look my best. Regardless, I would like to look my best, but this is by far the best motivator I’ve got at the moment.
Maybe I should have taken things slower with D-E. I realize now that I had a lot to learn when I started - but the good thing is, now I know more than when I began! There is still a lot of work left, but at least now I know what I’m up against.
I know there are still months left to the new year - its just good to be ahead sometimes.
28 year old living in the northern hemisphere, bunked up with husband, kid and Old Man Grandpa, 3 cats, 2 turtles and 1 guinea pig.
Am currently plunging into body acceptance (and, as a result, fat acceptance), living with trichotillomania and trying for kid #2. It's good times!
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