At least I did this…

Friday, November 30, 2007

Tada!

Internets, NaBloPoMo 2007

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Crash and Burn Girl

Thursday, November 29, 2007

You don’t mind the fall until
your face hits the ground

I didn’t think I’d be able to describe what’s been going on with me for the past couple of months, but since I’m up I figured I’d give it a shot.

This morning I woke up, tired as per usual, par for the course, run of the mill, all that and then some. I had to wake up, not just for the day, but wake up and GET it - I’m not doing so well right now. I’m actually doing pretty shitty.

There was an argument - but that’s not the point, there have been many arguments, although they probably play their part. There has been news articles, lost children, dead children, tortured animals and blogs about lost spouses, divorces, illness. That’s not the point either, but what I want to know is how long it’s been going on, and whether I sought it out because I needed to wallow, because misery loves company, or whether it caused the morbid epiphany I had this noon about how easy it would be to let myself slip in front of a passing truck on the icy way to the mailbox.

Whenever I hear of someone who killed themselves by jumping in front of a train, or blew their brains out for some poor soul to clean up I get furious. How fucking inconsiderate. Seriously, if you’re going to kill yourself.. well, don’t do it. That’s my stance.. When your insides are aching so bad that you wish, literally WISH you could just not be anymore, how much worse can it get? So I had my epiphany, and then I hated myself for being such a cunt.

This is the deal - well part of it.

The house is a mess, a disgusting mess. There is a difference between clutter and a mess, at least I used to think so, but our house - and believe me, I’m not comfortable sharing this with everyone who happens to surf by, but I need to be honest, with myself first and foremost, and if I write it down I’m forced to face it - it looks horrific, it even smells horrific and I believe it has managed to blur the line between clutter and disgusting to the degree that I look at it and my skin crawls and I wonder who the fuck let me have a child in the first place. I want to be somewhere else. I want to be anywhere but here. I want Carlita to have a better mum, and for Jelly Man to have a better wife, because not only can’t I keep a house clean, clutter free, or heck even just a bit cluttered, I’m also fat and disgusting, lazy, manipulative, disconnected, unresponsive and utterly uninterested in pretty much everything.

I’m done crying, but I’m not done hurting. I am positive that now that I am no longer in denial about my mental state, I’ll be able to start the healing.

This feeling of pending doom has happened once before, and that was when my ex and I were just about to split. The reasons for the split were manifold, and we probably owned it fifty/fifty. I had been feeling like this for a long time at that point, without being able to recognize what was happening with me, but when I finally voiced my need for help, just any kind of help because, god, I was falling into pieces, couldn’t he tell? He wasn’t there anymore, emotionally he wasn’t there. And I only bring it up because the reason I would never actually react on my impulse is, of course Carlita because I couldn’t bear doing that to her or bear not to be with her, but also largely because once I find that voice inside that tells me what I need to acknowledge, Jelly Man is there to listen.

I told him how I was hurting, he held me while I cried and he didn’t let go for a long while.

Egotastic, NaBloPoMo 2007, The Bad

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Wow..

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I nearly forgot to post today. But I have my reasons.. Big Dramatic Post hopefully coming tomorrow.. Plus, you know, Carlita turns 16 months old tomorrow!

Crazy, I know!

Anyhow, am really down in the gutter today, so sorry for this piece of junk. But more on that tomorrow (hopefully).

NaBloPoMo 2007

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Twisteroo

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Bad news; My grandma’s husband had a heart attack and will need a bypass operation.

Good news; My cousin is doing better. He’s back home!

Bad news; A friend of ours is here visiting and his mum just called to let him know his dad fell on his face and is going to the hospital.

Good news; Carlita is done teething until her two-year molars come in. (Whoopeee!!!!)

Bad news; I keep loosing money on online gambling. (I really should quit it...)

Good news; This month is soon over. NO MORE NABLOPOMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Now I’ll go watch Death Proof.

I’ll let you know later whether that’s good news or bad news. 

NaBloPoMo 2007, Random, The Bad

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