Letter
19 Months Old
Monday, March 03, 2008
Carlita, my dear darling baby girl..
We have so much to discuss! I hardly know where to begin.
OK, so there is this one particular thing that stands out right now and that is the whining. We usually say you’re teething when you act up, but now that you walk around with a fist in your mouth and leaving saliva puddles everywhere I think we’re spot on this time. The teeth, they cause a lot of whining, and even though I DO feel fortunate to be home with you, I’m still kind of hoping the whining will go away soon so that I can enjoy it even more.
But, of course, it’s not just the teeth. You’re becoming your own little person. So much so that your dad and I walk around with our jaws on the floor because every little thing you do that make you more you just simply amazes us. It’s a thousand small, sometimes annoying, but in the end insightful pieces of the puzzle that is who you are. I’m glad to say, though, that when you’re not pulling everything out of every drawer in every room of the house you are quite the little fun firecracker.
You are super coordinated. When you were about 3 months old I was slightly worried that you’d never get a hang of these things called “arms” and that you’d flail in a spastic manner forever, and it was a little worrying too that you didn’t show much interest in crawling until you were 8 months old or so. And I never imagined that at 19 months old you’d be kicking a football hard and accurately. So yes, you continue to amaze me on a daily basis.
You also like the cats. Maybe a little too much. Unfortunately for her, we have a cat that doesn’t take a flying leap every time she sees you bolting toward her, with your little grimy hands stretched out ready to pull her tail. She’s old, yes, but she should value her life more than her dignity, if you ask me. In the meanwhile I’m getting real tired of hearing myself say “No” over and over because you won’t leave the poor thing alone. You have even stooped so far as to crawl in under the bed to get a hold of a cat.
All these things amaze me.
Another new thing with you is your unwillingness to share food items with your dad or me. Sharing his morning yogurt with you was one of your dad’s favorite ways of spending weekend mornings, but you have decided that if you can’t hold the spoon you won’t eat, and if you’re not eating neither should anyone else! If we want to eat something unhealthy we have started to store it away after we get back from shopping, only to pull it out once you’re in bed. I’m sorry for the deceit, but it’s for your own good! And I’m sure you’ll figure it out in no time, seeing as you’re already climbing chairs, and will have your hands in our cabinets before we know it, which means we’ll have to give it up soon.
Your vocabulary is still minimalistic and words pop in and out. I’ve gotten you to say “grandpa”, but only once or twice. Bababa is banana! Cat is still “meow” and “No” is a violent head shake.
Unfortunately I haven’t taken a lot of pictures this winter. I’m hoping to take so much more soon. I look at pictures from a year ago and I can’t believe it’s you! With less hair and chubbier hands. But, as always, no matter how big you get, you’ll always remain.. My baby.
17 Months Old
Friday, January 04, 2008
Dear Carlita,
As per usual, I’m a couple of days late. This past holiday has been the toughest and the most uneventful ever, and I sincerely hope we’ll be able to make next year so much better - and not just because there is a tiny chance that you might even find Christmas interesting by then, but also because both your dad and I have had a rough year, and it all culminated just about the time December came around.. = NOT PRETTY!
Your grandmother came up to celebrate the holidays with us, and while it’s always a little nerve wrecking for us to have another human come co-habitat with us for more than a night or two, it gave us a night out just your dad and I, while you spent your evening running between grandma and grandpa. I must have called at least 3 times to make sure everything was fine, and the scolding I got from my mum each time will be enough to discourage me from doing that again next time she comes to visit - I might just call once, maybe twice by then!
You are still shy around your grandma when she first arrives, but it’s nothing like the blood chilling cries you emitted once when we picked her up when you were 8 months old. It takes you a few days to adjust, after that you’re just happy to have yet another person pay attention to you! And boy, does she ever love to shower you with attention! And clothes! And movies! Unfortunately, clothes don’t thrill you, and you’re still not sure about tv. I know you’re not supposed to be exposed to any tv until you’re at least two, but you were born into a household of two movie-holics - yet, strangely, we couldn’t make you watch anything for longer than 3 minutes even if we were to duct tape you to a chair and place it in front of the tv.
But, you do have one newly developed obsession, and that is.. BOOTS! Last fall I bought you a pair of adorable pink rubber boots. Because I’m a newbie and paranoid mum I bought you a new pair of boots during the holiday, because I wasn’t sure your feet could fit comfortably in the pink boots. The new boots are lace/zipper operated, but the pink boots are easy as pie to slip on, and I’m pretty sure that they aren’t at all uncomfortable for you to wear because you put them on constantly now. It’s gotten to the point where I let you eat lunch with your boots on, and I’m starting to wonder whether or not I should be worried about a toddler with foot fungus.
You are starting to show clear signs of defiance. It’s extra hard on me because I’m used to you being so compliant and easy going. But it’s also a lot of fun, I can’t stress that enough. We just finished weaning you, and although I’m already missing it, it’s also nice to have confirmation that I’m more than just BOOBS to you. What can I say? Your mum is full of insecurities too, never forget that, and having you cry out for me at bed time has meant more to me than I’d like to admit. I thought that, maybe, if you no longer got the boob then daddy would do just as good, but seeing your quivering lip as I was about to leave the two of you to finish the bedtime routine by yourselves shattered that silly misconception. I’m your mother, you’re my child, my first born - whether I’m a good mother or bad mother, you’re going to love me no matter what.. And that is why I hope I can pull myself up a bit and be the best possible mother I can be in 2008, and every year after that too.
Love you.
16 Months Old
Monday, December 10, 2007
Dear Carlita,
I know I’m a little late this month, and I’m sorry. These past four weeks has been full of unnecessary things that I haven’t even felt like doing, but did anyway - and I think I missed out on a lot of fun with you because of that. I’m sorry for that too. I’ve been mourning for the past couple of months, sweetheart, and I’ve no doubt that part of it has something to do with the fact that you are growing up so fast, and the rest is just a mystery to me. Just thinking about it makes my eyes leak salty tears. When people say that time flies by when you have a baby they really aren’t lying, and there are times I wish I could rewind the past 6 months or so. Don’t get me wrong, I love who you are becoming, and I love you more and more each day (I’m not even exaggerating), but some days I go to bed wondering where the day went and feeling a little sad that I don’t remember all the good times as much as I think I will when I’m right in the middle of it.
You are getting so much more vocal these days, and just the other day you said “baby” for the first time. Baby, daddy, lamp and “meow” are now stables in your vocabulary, while duck/poop in Finnish drops in and out. You crack your dad up every time you start out talking about ducks and end up with poop (duck=ankka, poop=kaka, so it’s no wonder that you get the two confused!). We’ve been buying and receiving books for you for quite some time now, but you won’t let any of us read to you. You are the book-master and only you have the authority to decide how long we stay on any given page of the book we’re “reading” - usually it’s not long enough to finish a sentence! And you’ll point to this object, then that in a matter of seconds, so that when I tell you that the object you are pointing to is a seal, you are already pointing to the giraffe. I don’t know how you still manage to be so absolutely brilliant, considering all the circumstances and the verbal traps three languages are throwing at you simultaneously, but you amaze me with the things you pick up on a daily basis. You understand so much more than you let on - I’m sure of it. We are still waiting for a loud and clear MOMMY, but for now daddy is getting all the lovin’.
You have also insisted on feeding yourself lately, and that’s fine. The only reason I’ve spoon fed you for so long is because you had no interest in food whatsoever for the longest time. This should have told me that we could have held off on solids for far longer than we did, and because of your love for the boob you would have been just fine with breast milk, but in our eagerness to please everyone we went against what we/I felt was best, and so you’ve been eating food, more or less, since you were six months old, but without the enthusiasm I was sure you’d inherit from me. No matter though, you wolf down food now like a real champ, but you’re still clinging on to the breast for comfort - and that is tough because we’re in the middle of weaning. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t want to wean you, just the other day you produced a blister on my right nipple, most likely because my supply is next to nil so you have to suck harder, and I can’t wait for THAT to be over with. And for the longest time I didn’t know if weaning was something I could let go of. Now that we’re finally down to just a few latches a day, and our moderate success in getting you back to sleep at night without the boob, I’m feeling positively elevated. I’ve breastfed for longer than the goal I set, and even though it is bittersweet I know in my heart that it’s time.
Too bad you’re so damn difficult to fool, my dear. You take absolutely no substitutes, ever since the day you were born and spat out the pacifier you have known what you wanted, without a doubt. You are very tolerant of my authority, but if something really matters to you you won’t hesitate for a second in putting your foot down. Luckily you’re easy to distract - a trait I’m sure you got from me. We are huge practitioners of lesser evils in this house, and I know to pick my battles, but sometimes I worry that I’m not looking after you like I think other mothers look after their children, which simply translates into me doubting my own mothering. I don’t follow you around watching your every step, and you seem happy toddling around the house, so it feels right for us to have this setup. As I told a friend the other day, I’m no hover parent - and she assured me that being a hovering parent is not a guarantee that your child will turn out OK. Yet still I worry. I wish I could jump 25 years into the future and ask you if I did right by you, if there is something you would have wanted me to do differently, but I can’t. I just want you to know that your dad and I are doing the best we can with what we’ve got - and most of all, what we have is love for you.
Tonight we both broke down in tears, musing over how you are bonding with the cats, stroking them and hugging them with such tenderness that it blows our collective minds. We recalled how tiny you were once, and how you aren’t tiny at all anymore. How time flies, how you change from a day to day basis and how we are so very fortunate that we got you.
You are, and we adore.
We love you oh so very much.
15 Months Old
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Dear Carlita,
Ooh boy! Where do we begin? This month has been such an unpredictable ride. You had your first fever and that scared the crap out of me, let me tell you! One minute you seemed fine, the next you were at 39.9 and we were very close to bringing you to the hospital, but taking your clothes off helped bring the fever down enough so quickly that we decided not to. When the fever was gone a couple of days later, you broke out in little spots all over your upper body, neck and face. I was sure you had gotten the chicken pox, and we were already starting to come to terms with you being an only child because we don’t know whether or not your dad has had the chicken pox, but just two days later they were gone and you went back to your teething self.
But, at least you only have 3 more molars to worry about until next year - and they are all half way out anyway. Teething has been real difficult, but it has also brought out more of your personality. You are more determined now, you try hard to make sure you get what you want. If what you want is not accomplished you are bound to throw your little body to the floor in a backward arch of doom. You have always been such an easy baby, and you still are, honestly, but this new resistance in you is fascinating and even though it will sometimes make my brain crumble I’m glad to see you sticking up for yourself. You know what you want, when you want it. Good for you!
These past few weeks have been all about grandpa. Now you practically beg me to take you to him and he is just as happy to see you, each and every time. You are old enough by now that I feel comfortable letting you go out of my field of vision, and when I haven’t heard you in a little while, 99% of the time I will find you with grandpa. This just makes me deliriously happy. Not only do I get a little time for myself, but you are bonding with a person other than your dad and I, and I’m often worried you don’t get to hang around other people enough. Not only does grandpa make up for a little of that, but I couldn’t imagine “other people” treating you with as much love as your grandpa, except maybe for grandma.
You are learning new things at an alarming rate. Alarming to me, anyway, because I’m trying not to stress about your milestones. Before you were born I would imagine all the reading I’d do to you, but as the months passed after your birth, it became clear that this book thing, and me reading them to you, wasn’t going to happen. If there is a book in your close vicinity you will want to grab it, turn it’s pages and, in your earlier months you’d rip it to shreds. I was worried not reading to you would make me a bad mother, and for the longest time I’ve felt enormous guilt about it. But lately you’ve been sitting with your books, leafing through them, pointing in them and talking intangibles while doing so.
Another major thing right now is the decline in nursings we’ve done lately. I’m pretty sure this is it, and even though a huge part of me is exhilarated, another part of me is mourning already. I have never been as proud of my own body as I have while nursing you. It’s a sad thing to let that go. I can’t think about it without tearing up, but I’m also happy - that we were able to and for so long, and now, I feel, it’s time to quit. You haven’t quite caught up to the gravity of what is going on. I’m glad you don’t understand, it would break my heart if you did. Instead feedings are just getting fewer and further in between, and you are having more and more solids, which you are finally showing a bit of interest in, and as far as you’re concerned that’s it.
You are showing signs of attaching to your blanket, some of your teddy bears, some of your hard plastic toys and random junk, but it’s nothing serious yet. I’m hoping that you’ll get really attached to something, anything, so that you can find a comfort outside the breast. (The breasts, they’re just really getting tired - that’s all I’m saying!) While I’m still your #1 favorite grownup, your dad has finally entered the competition. I kid of course! Your dad is high commander in charge of vitamin D administration*. One night, while we were putting you to bed, I got ahead of myself and started to give you the drops myself and afterwards your dad looked rather deflated. When I asked him what was wrong, he revealed he was disappointed that he didn’t get to give you your vitamins.
*Which goes something like this; Unscrew cap, move the bottle close to your sitting self, wait for you to open your mouth, drop 5 drops on your tongue and wait for you to swallow. Put cap back on. See what I mean when I say you’re easy?
It’s been 15 months by now. I’m still wondering when being your mother will cease to shock and amaze me.
I love you.
